How My Big Brother Journey Affected My Mental State

WARNING! This is a long post…about MY BIG BROTHER experience! Haha, six years on…but some stuff I’ve never told a soul!

The reason why I’m sharing this is…I’ve just spent the last few hours sitting at Brisbane Airport ready to fly home after a gals weekend in Byron! I drove past Dreamworld where we lived in a house completely shut off from the world, I lasted six weeks & it was by far one of the hardest things I’ve ever done.

I don’t talk about my experience much because if I’m honest with you, I felt so much shame & anxiety when I left the house.

I was so bloody happy to be evicted because I was so unhappy the last week I was there. I wasn’t myself at all & that is broadcasted to the whole of Australia. It has been SIX years this year since the experience & I have never watched an episode. I have seen a highlights reel & that was enough for me. I want to talk about this now because I didn’t really understand myself back then & I have healed from the experience now! BUT fuck me, it took years to appreciate & love & accept that I did my best & to embrace the experiment not beat myself up for it.

I get asked a lot WHY I did it & if I’m completely honest, it was on my bucket list since I was 18 years old. I auditioned for years & years & when I was in my late teens for some reason I was craving fame & thought this is what I wanted! Haha at 29 years of age when I entered the house, that couldn’t have been further from who I was. It was more of a challenge to get in the house haha as I auditioned so many times, I thought…fuck I need to prove to these fuckers they should put me in there! So in 2013 I entered the B.B. house I met some incredible people in there & created memories I will never ever forget. Some of the guys I still adore today & we will share a life long bond.

What I didn’t know about myself…because I wasn’t really self-aware & I was uneducated on the matter, I was suffering from anxiety I was diagnosed in 2010 BUT what I didn’t get was that…it didn’t just go away! I honestly thought after completing my sessions at the psych back then I was cured. I also thought the way my brain was wired, was how everyone’s was haha how wrong was I?

I have a chemical imbalance & no matter what I do to help myself, unfortunately, I will have it for life. These days I understand my behaviour when I’m anxious & I do many things to help myself to keep it under control. It’s not perfect but it’s progress. The house was by far one of the toughest things I ever did. I changed in there for the whole of Australia to see & I felt that but didn’t know or understand myself to explain what was happening. I went in there this happy, bubbly life of the party kind of girl & came out an angry, unhappy & confused soul.

I will never forget one of the producers said to me the day after I was evicted, “You weren’t the person in there, we thought you’d be” & wowee that huge trigger sent me on a vicious cycle of insecurity, shame, embarrassment – these words went over & over & over for months, even years! I had let them down & I had let myself down! I beat myself for so long, I wish I knew then what I know now because I would’ve asked back “what do you mean?” Then explained the way my brain works when ours anxious. I become cold, sometimes anger comes out because of the fear, I become reclusive & can be very abrupt! I felt unmotivated somedays & I was constantly overthinking everything anyone said to me in there. He was right though, I wasn’t myself. I was out of my comfort zone & all I could think about was what everyone else thought of me!

I wish I could’ve educated the public of Australia on anxiety but I had no idea myself at that stage what it really was & how it was affecting me on a daily basis. People just thought I was a moody bitch & I wasn’t. I was an insecure, frightened, people pleaser, who wanted to just please everyone – producers, housemates & the public!

Once I was evicted, the social anxiety skyrocketed. No one knows this except my mate whose house I stayed in, but I couldn’t get off the floor of his spare room for three days. I couldn’t go home, talk on the phone or see anyone because I was so empty & embarrassed by what that producer said to me. I tried to avoid watching the show, using social media & reading comments & articles about me. I was judging myself enough, I didn’t need the public to judge me too.

I have since healed from the experience & that has been through understanding myself & what really went on. I am grateful for the opportunity & I did honestly have some of the best times of my life in there. YES I said & did things I regret BUT I am only human & I am thankful for the friendships I got out of it & the experiences. Wow after almost 6 years, it feels good to get that off my chest!

THANK YOU to everyone and anyone who has supported me over the years! I love you all ❤️🙏💕

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