Story By Siany
*Content warning as some of topics below may be a trigger. Topics include drugs, alcohol, self-harm, depression, suicidal ideation and sexual assault. Please take care of yourself first.
Stay. One word that can change everything. One word that could save a life. Stay for one more minute. Stay for a little longer. Stay for me. Stay for yourself. Just stay. It’s okay to not be okay and I was not okay for a few months this year but this is a snippet of my story. I have always been nervous to share my story but I want to speak out to say you are not alone.
I have suffered depression since I was 13. I have always described it as a black bubble I lived in. I couldn’t see anyone, only faintly hear people as my depression was the loudest voice. I suffered from the most horrible act by the hands of someone I knew. I was sexually assaulted at 13. I didn’t think things could get any worse than that but it unfortunately did. I was interviewed by police, violated again by medical exams then dragged through a court case for 2 years, which I never wanted to do, that ended with a not guilty verdict. It all took a toll on me. Mentally. Physically. Emotionally. I was an empty shell of myself. Through it all, I went to school with a smile on my face but pain in my heart.
This was when the self-harming started. I was always angry and upset. I took everything out on myself. I would cut my skin to feel something as my body become numb. They were little at first but they got worse as time went on. As I approached the end of my school life, my head started to spin. School was the only safe place I had because no one could ever hurt me. This was the first time I attempted to take my life as I felt the person who hurt me was going to come back. I took my life into my own hands even though it was a wrong decision. I popped pills and washed it down with alcohol and hoped I would just die. It didn’t work. I was real sick that day and told everyone I must have had food poisoning. I slept that night but was happy to wake the next morning but yet again, that didn’t last long.
Over the next few years, I tried to commit suicide two more times. The second attempt, I don’t remember much (except for the damage I caused to my body) but I ended up being parked on a plastic chair in the middle of a corridor of a hospital with no one seeing me until about 3 hours after I was admitted. I was eventually sent home with no help. The third time, I walked for hours along the beach one night with a drink in one hand and a sharp item in the other. I was the drunkest I had ever been and the scars I have on my arm today are the reminder of that night. My friend found me passed out on the beach. I was a failure again but my friends were by my side this time. The next day they took me to the hospital and I promised to get better. I did.
I was up to my 7th counsellor in 7 years and she helped me get through. I was trapped within a black bubble that was my home for many years and I was only just starting to see the bright outside world again. I could see people and I finally got to understand myself. I was happy. I had everything I had ever wanted then I got stressed out to a point where I nearly took my life yet again but this time…I took a stand. I spoke up and I got help because I know I needed to. I knew I had to do this for myself. No one else was going to take my control again as I had work so hard to get back. I am here to say it’s okay to not be okay. Speak up. Get help. Defy the voices that tell you it won’t get better. This is your story to tell and this was mine and it’s not over yet. For my own healing, I got a tattoo of a semi colon and the word ‘stay’.
So please, stay for tomorrow because life can get so much better. Every day is worth living. Every day is different. Every day is new. Every day is beautiful even behind the clouds.
If this story has raised concerns for you or someone you know contact Lifeline on 13 11 14.