If anyone knows me, they know I am without a doubt, the biggest princess in Perth.
I need at least ten hours of sleep, get my nails done on a weekly basis, shop in high-end stores (even though I can’t afford to) and never lower my standards below princess worthy.
So you can imagine my reaction when my tutor said I had to go away for four days, six hours south, no reception, and sleep in a tent.
Wasn’t a positive one, that’s for sure.
I had a six-week build-up to this trip. Six weeks of trying to persuade someone else to go. I begged, cried, and even bribed, many people. But they all told me the same thing.
“Abbey, you could give me all the money in the world, and it STILL wouldn’t be worth as much as seeing you try to camp.”
Glad I have made such an impression on my fellow classmates.
It was quite possibly the least successful camping trip in Australian history… here’s how it went…
The six-hour bus drive was probably the highlight of my trip. I spent the entire time trying to think of ways to get home early.
I arrived at my home for the next four days, and felt sick instantly. I had no mobile phone reception, there were tents set up everywhere, it looked like it was about to rain, and the toilet block stunk from a mile away.
My poor tent mate, by the end of this trip she is going to hate me.
The rest of the evening was pretty uneventful… apart from the fact dinner was kangaroo and emu, it was five degrees, I had no sleep, and woke up covered in mosquito bites.
All I can say is thank god there was coffee! Otherwise I would have lost it.
Three coffees down, we loaded onto the bus to go explore the beautiful sites of Bremer Bay.
You’d think the guides would take you to the beach, but nooooo, instead they take you inland and on a bush walk… and when I say bush-walk, I mean no path in sight, climbing through trees and bugs everywhere.
I was not prepared for this. I was wearing thongs, and my expensive sunnies…here we go.
As we are climbing through the bush, the guide stopped, turned to me and said, “Can you smell that? It’s the smell of fresh water and nature!”
No love, all I can smell is fucking dirt.
As we continue on this bush-walk, a tree gets caught on my pants and tears them…right in the crutch, and knees… great! I have one pair of pants, with a hole that shows what I had for breakfast; in the middle of butt fuck nowhere.
Finally, we arrived back to camp, and I was relieved. I could lie in my near ‘five-star’ accommodation and pray it’s over soon.
As I headed up for dinner, I got a fishy smell… fish? In the middle of the bush? Surely not? Yep as I get closer I see… on the menu for tonight is Yabbies … most people would love this, except for the fact I am highly allergic to shellfish.
I assumed being in the middle of nowhere, there wouldn’t be any shellfish, so didn’t pack antihistamines, my epipen, or anything that could assist if I reacted.
I was so careful not to go near them. But, as soon as I finished dinner I knew. It had been contaminated. Straight into the bush to yack.
Do you know how disgusting it is being sick in a bush, while it’s freezing cold, and you have no access to a shower? Try and imagine it.
The rest of the night was interesting, to say the least. I finally stumbled back to my tent at 3 am, looked at my uninviting sleeping bag and went no. Fuck this. I am not sleeping in the goddamn tent while I am sick.
So I grabbed my blankets and my pillow and stumbled up to the kitchen area where I had scouted a few beds.
It was pitch black so what happened next was not my fault.
I walked into the room, went to one of the beds, climbed in and heard a huge manly scream that nearly made me wet myself.
Yep, I had just climbed into bed with a middle-aged man I had never met. That was probably the highlight of his trip…
I hopped out and got into another one, not caring that I was now sharing a dorm with a man I had just basically tried to seduce unintentionally.
The rest of the night was pretty uneventful considering.
I woke up still sick as ever and refused to move out of my bed. So I slept for most of the day. Great way to waste time!
Although everyone was out and I got a little bored, what to do when you don’t have reception?
Ah yes Abbey, you genius, climb the tallest tree to get signal.
Considering my coordination skills, I’m surprised I didn’t fall and break my neck.
But there I was, sitting in a tree, crying with happiness that I had reception. I probably looked like an idiot, with a pair of pants on with a big hole in the crutch, black eyes from little sleep, and vomit in my hair. But I did not care. I was able to call home and beg my mum to pick me up. I’m sure you’ve guessed, she declined.
I woke up with a spring in my step. I knew I was going home today. Before we could leave apparently, we had to help pack up… what the fuck. Do I look like I know how to pack up a tent?
Anyway, I sauntered down ready for the challenge… it didn’t go well. I got the tent down, yay for me! And as I am folding it, a huntsman spider the size of a shoe crawled out… had I actually been sleeping in a tent with that thing?!
I screamed and begged a passing man to deal with my tent because this princess seriously cannot cope.
Kindly he finished packing it up, and I got on the bus ready to go.
Six hours later and I arrived home, I nearly cried when I saw my best friend had come to pick me up.
I got in the car and looked at her.
“Remind me never to go fucking camping again.”
It’s also confirmed, my tent buddy has unfriended me on Facebook.